Sex brings people closer together, creates feelings of pleasure and intimacy, and provides a sense of joy and satisfaction. But not all sex is created equal. Popular TV shows and movies, like Netflix's 2022 release "Uncoupled", starring Neil Patrick Harris, focus-in on gay stories around sex and romance. I enjoyed watching Uncoupled, but I do have some criticism. Just like most of heterosexual Hollywood, Uncoupled creates high expectations around what a "good" sex life should be. So what, truly, constitutes good sex. Understanding this for yourself can be crucial to enjoying a fulfilling sex life as an LGBTQ+ man that is far more fulfilling than the Grindr merry-go-round.
The notion of "good" gay sex gives me the ick.
I Hate - capital H - the idea that we need to strive for "good" sex. The two biggest influences on how we perceive good sex are no surprise: Hollywood, and porn. These two glamorised, over-romanticised, hyperbolised depictions of sex & intimacy set us up for shame, dissatisfaction and self-judgement. We might think that we're "too smart" to fall into the traps of these depictions, but in reality, they covertly shape the yardstick we use to measure our own sex life's success. This perpetuates unrealistic, and often unachievable expectations around what our bodies should do or what we need to be ready for.
The pursuit of good sex, is the disregard for REAL SEX. Real sex is messy sometimes. Our bodies aren't perfectly primed robots ready to take a dick at the drop of a button. Sometimes we're not in the mood in that moment, or we stick it in too abruptly and hurt him. Sometimes the lube feels gross, or we're drunk, or we're not hard, or we're sore. Sometimes something CHANGES. None of this falls into the classically relentless definition of good sex, but sure as hell its what happens in real sex.
So ask yourself what you believe good sex looks like. Does it involve a lot of moaning? Must it include penetration? Do you have to cum at the same time?
What if, good sex was sex that felt: pleasurable, safe, sensual and connecting? What if good sex was sex that involved: communication, honesty, curiosity and exploration? What if good sex didn't have to look any certain, particular way to qualify as "good"?
Let's explore one type of sex that has been gaining popularity in recent years...
Have you heard of tantric sex yet? This ancient practice involves using breath, movement, and meditation to deepen intimacy and connection with yourself or a partner(s). While it has traditionally been associated with heterosexual couples, there is a growing interest in tantric sex among the LGBTQ+ community, particularly among gay men. If you want to understand more about the ins and outs of tantra, I wrote about everything that tantra IS and ISN'T here (will open in a new tab).
Gay tantra involves using breath, touch, and movement to create a deeper connection with yourself, or between partners, and explore your body in a mindful and intentional way. By tapping into the body's natural energy, gay tantric yoga can create a sense of ecstasy and bliss that is both physical, intimate and emotional. It's the type of intimate connection that is forgiving, open to understand each other, and that leaves expectations behind.
One way to experience gay tantra is through a tantric yoga retreat. These retreats typically involve a mix of yoga, meditation, and tantric practices, and are often held in beautiful, natural settings that promote relaxation and mindfulness. Some retreats are specifically designed for gay men, while others are open to all genders and sexual orientations.
One of the benefits of attending a gay tantric yoga retreat is the opportunity to explore your sexuality in a safe and supportive environment. Many people feel inhibited , confused or ashamed of their desires, but in a tantric retreat, you can learn to embrace and celebrate your erotic energy with like-minded men. By letting go of shame and judgement, you can open yourself up to new experiences and a greater sense of pleasure, mateship and connection in your life. By tuning into meditation and erotic mindfulness, you can discover what you truly desire within your intimate and erotic connections, giving you the experience and awareness to determine what your true definition of 'good' sex is.
I run Tantric retreats in Australia to give men who love men the opportunity to deepen their connection to themselves, their body, their sexuality and their fellow man. Whether you're a seasoned yogi or a beginner, a gay tantric yoga retreat can be a transformative experience that helps you connect more deeply with yourself and other guys.
Tantra that focusses specifically on the phallic body can help with issues such as sexual dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and low libido. By learning to harness your sexual energy in a mindful and intentional way, you can improve your overall physical and mental health.
Here's my definition of good sex:
erotic connection that is vulnerable, feels safe and is open to how the direction and the mood changes. It is grounded enough to deal with negotiations ("actually, can we try it this way instead?") and to meet me and my partner(s) where they are, rather than where they, or I, think we should be. It doesn't have an agenda, and we might cum or not...depending on where it goes. My non-negotiables are: my body feels safe to be sexual (which could mean opening up to a new experience I've yet to explore), I feel like he genuinely gives a shit about me, I genuinely give a shit about him, and we can communicate what we need or desire. It's not about how it looks at all. It's not about if I'm perfectly hard, or perfectly clean or he's perfectly hung...it's about how it feels.
My definition might not be the same as yours. That's the point. As much as the gossip magazines and websites want us to think 'good' sex has certain exact parameters, includes THIS and DOESN'T include THAT...I don't think that's the truth. Each of us are unique in our erotic needs and desires, and only we can genuinely determine what good sex is to us.
So let's stop using the word "good" sex, and replace "good" with the actual descriptors that mean something to us.
Gimme:
Fulfilling sex
Adventurous sex
Fun sex
Serious sex
Breathy sex
Raw sex
Soft sex
Loving sex
Kinky sex
and more
Good sex is about more than just physical pleasure. It's about creating a deeper connection with yourself and your partner, and exploring your sexuality in a mindful and intentional way. Gay tantric yoga & tantric yoga retreats are powerful tools for achieving this, that take you into real connections with real men, instead of being influenced by porn and movies. They can help you unlock new levels of pleasure, intimacy, and self-discovery. Why not give it a try and see where the journey takes you?
Andreas is a 500 hr advanced yoga teacher, certified through Yoga Australia. He is a Self Pleasure Practitioner, certified through the Institute of New Paradigm Intimacy. He specialises in naked yoga and tantric experiences for men who love men. Andreas works online globally, and hosts in person 1-1 private experiences, group workshops and retreats near Canberra and Sydney, Australia.